Marriage, divorce and remarriage
My task this evening is a daunting one. It is daunting first of all because this is a subject on which Christians do not agree and on which many hold strong opinions. I can’t hope to satisfy everyone by what I say. All I can do is to set before you as clearly and as honestly as I can what I believe the Bible has to say. But it is daunting secondly because this is a very large subject. Numbers of books, some of them quite substantial, have been written about it, and the Bible itself is a large book and simply to review all the relevant passages from the Old and New Testaments would take more time than we have together on this occasion. But neither of these is the most daunting aspect of this subject. The fact is that marriage and the family are central to all our lives and to a great deal of our happiness. What I say and what is taught in the churches on this matter impacts very deeply on peoples’ lives. It is true that this does not directly affect the issues of salvation and eternity, though it can do indirectly. We live in a fallen world, and all around us are broken marriages and damaged families and children. What is the word of the Lord to this situation? What is the word which brings wisdom, healing and peace into the broken families and broken lives of our generation? What is the word which we need within the churches as well as in our witness to those without? For the fall and sin and the pressure of a godless world has its effects within as well as without. Let me speak with real seriousness. This is not a matter for mere squabbling. It is not a matter about which we can be satisfied with simply trying to uphold a view we might have received by tradition. Nor must we meekly give in to the culture of our day and try to make the Bible say much the same sort of thing as the world does. It is likely that what we say this evening will affect some people quite considerably, even to the extent of tears. It is possible that what we say might affect the family life of some for the rest of their lives. I only say this because I have spoken on this subject before and people have come up to me afterwards having been deeply affected. Indeed, already some have shown a more than theoretical interest in what I am going on to say tonight.
I start with some basic principles that I think we all agree with. First, marriage is an ordinance of God and not a human expedient which has simply proved on the whole to function well. Marriage is intended to be the lifelong commitment of a man and a woman to each other. All Christians are committed to promoting marriage and maintaining the marriage bond. It is quite clear that the thrust of our Lord’s teaching was to prevent divorce and the churches must seek to do the same.
Second, we can all agree, I think, that divorce cannot take place without sin. Some believe that prior sin can be a ground for divorce, but if there is no prior sin then the divorce itself is sinful. God hates divorce and that is a bottom line for us all. However, it is one thing to say that there can be no divorce without sin, it is quite another to start apportioning blame in particular cases. All I am doing at the moment is establishing a general point.
Third, we are all agreed about the importance of pastoral care and the need for seeking to bring about reconciliation when marriages threaten to break down; and indeed when they have broken down. We are all committed to the demanding task of caring for those who go through marriage difficulties, and the traumas and heartaches that are involved in divorce. Whether we are successful or not in preventing divorce and repairing breakdown, we work and pray to that end. And even when reconciliation has proved impossible, our care does not stop while we have the opportunity of expressing it. Please keep these three points of agreement in mind because I can’t keep referring back to them.
I would like now to plunge into the deep end and explain to you what my own position is. It seems to me that this is the most honest thing to do. Having tried to set out what I believe and the Scriptural reasons for thinking as I do, I then want to say something about the subject from an historical point of view, and finally to raise a number of practical questions relating to church life and fellowship.
As soon as we come to consider what the Bible says about divorce we have to recognise that divorce in the Bible and in Bible times differed in a number of respects from what we understand by divorce. As far as we are concerned the word ‘divorce’ is a technical term, but I do not think that is the case in the OT and I believe we can be sure it isn’t in the NT. The NT uses three verbs which are usually translated ‘divorce’ because of the context in which they occur, but literally they are ‘to put away’, ‘to separate oneself from’, and ‘to send away’.
A second feature of divorce in the Bible is that it was always the act of one of the spouses. It was not the act of a magistrate or of any third party. Amongst the Jews only a man could divorce; a wife was not able to put away her husband (though she could make his life so miserable that he put her away!). In the Graeco-Roman world of the NT both husbands and wives could divorce. So among the Jews a divorce took place when a husband sent his wife away and gave her a certificate saying that he had divorced her. Under Roman law a man could put away his wife simply by a word or an act, he could turn her out and she was divorced. And a wife could leave her husband and that was a divorce.
Unless we understand this we are almost certain to go wrong when trying to apply the Bible to divorce today. Nowadays it is sadly not unusual for a husband to go off and simply leave his wife. He may refuse to come back or she may not even know where he is. In such circumstances Christian wives have sometimes agonised over whether or not it would be right to get a divorce. But a Christian woman in
So if that is what divorce is in biblical times are there any grounds on which a husband or wife may put away the other? I believe that the only ground given in Scripture for divorce is serious sexual misdemeanour. Let me start by explaining what I mean by using the phrase ‘serious sexual misdemeanour’. Usually Christians tend to say that the ground for divorce is adultery, but Scripture does not use that word in this connection. The verses, of course, are Matthew 5:32 and 19:9. Matthew 5:32 says, ‘But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery.’ The Lord uses a more general word, rightly translated ‘sexual immorality’, and not the more specific word ‘adultery’. Why is this? I’m not sure that it is possible to prove conclusively the answer I’m going to give, but I think it is almost certain.
In the Old Testament there were three sexual sins that were singled out as particularly serious, all of which attracted the death penalty. These are adultery, bestiality and homosexual acts. Clearly if a married man or woman was convicted of any of these and put to death, then the other partner would be free to remarry. Death breaks the marriage bond. But by the time of the New Testament it seems evident that divorce had taken the place of the death penalty for these sins. Joseph was not minded to have Mary stoned to death, he was minded to divorce her quietly. It is true of course that the Pharisees tried to catch Jesus out when a woman was taken in adultery and said, ‘Moses commanded us to stone such women’, but that was simply a catch question and they knew full well that under the Romans they had no power to carry out the penalty. But long before NT times we read in Isaiah and Jeremiah of God divorcing his people for their unfaithfulness, which, I think, indicates that divorce for unfaithfulness must have been the practice in
There are two more things to add to this. Neither Mark nor Luke makes any mention of these particular words of Jesus when they record him speaking about marriage and divorce. But if it was taken for granted that divorce for such sexual sins was permissible we can understand why they did not do so. You do not always need to mention what everybody already knows. Secondly, I have used the words ‘serious sexual misdemeanour’ and I have done so deliberately. I do not take these three cases mentioned in the OT as exclusive, that is, it is only those three sins, but as exemplary, that is, serious sexual sins like these. I am sorry to have to mention this at all, but tragically we live in days of great evil and we cannot afford to be literalistic at this point – think of President Clinton if you like, but don’t dwell on it.
Some of you may well say something like this, ‘I’ve followed you so far and I recognize that sadly there will be divorces from time to time, even from within churches, and I accept that, but I do not believe that divorced people can legitimately marry again.’ You may have realised that my reasoning has already included the idea of remarriage; it came out in the quotation I gave from the Westminster Confession: ‘In the case of adultery after marriage, it is lawful for the innocent party to sue out a divorce, and after the divorce, to marry another, as if the offending party were dead.’ But we obviously need to look at this more thoroughly.
Why would anyone think that divorce did not include the right to remarry? The usual reason given is that marriage creates a union that is indissoluble, those who marry become one flesh and, so it is said, that cannot be undone even if they live apart. This, of course, is the view held in particular by the Roman Catholic Church. So the Catechism of the Catholic Church, beginning with quoting Genesis 2, says: ‘“Therefore a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.” The Lord himself shows that this signifies an unbreakable union of their two lives by recalling what the plan of the Creator had been in the beginning. “So they are no longer two, but one flesh.”’ Later on the Catechism expresses it like this: ‘The matrimonial union of man and woman is indissoluble.’
However, I do not believe this follows. The verse in Genesis says nothing about this union being unbreakable. In fact Jesus, when he quoted it, went on to say, ‘What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate’, which surely implies that man can separate those joined together, but ought not to do so. Another reason for believing that the marriage bond is not indissoluble comes from Deuteronomy 24. In the opening verses of that chapter permission for divorce is allowed, as Jesus put it, ‘for the hardness of your hearts’. That chapter allows a divorced woman to marry again, but if she does and the second husband dies or divorces her she is forbidden to go back to her first husband. But that surely must mean that she is not indissolubly married to him.
The fact is that divorce does break the marriage bond – which is why it is so serious a step – and that does mean that those who are divorced may remarry. Jesus himself permits those legitimately divorced for serious sexual sin to remarry: ‘And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery’ (Matthew 19:9). The best way to catch the sense of this is to say it twice, omitting the clause about sexual immorality first time round. First: ‘Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery’; second: ‘whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.’ In other words if the divorce is for sexual immorality the person who marries again does not commit adultery.
Let me try now to take stock and summarise what I have said so far and demonstrate some of its implications. In the Bible divorce is the act of one of the partners. So if either the husband or the wife simply abandons the other the proper thing would be for that husband or that wife to secure a divorce – which would be the equivalent of giving a certificate of divorce in the way that Deuteronomy states. However, very often the one who acts in this way nowadays just goes off and leaves the obtaining of a divorce to the other partner. In my opinion obtaining such a divorce is merely a formality to conform to British law; the actual divorce was the separating that was done by the one who went off. In this case sexual immorality is not an issue; here is someone who has had divorce thrust upon him or her. Such people have been wronged, and they are free to remarry.
Why do I say that they are free to remarry? Firstly because that is what divorce does; it dissolves a marriage and leaves the parties unmarried. But, secondly, in Matthew 5:32 Jesus says, ‘But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery.’ This is an extraordinary statement because Jesus assumes that the divorced woman is going to be remarried and thus the man who divorces her ‘makes her commit adultery’. It is not possible to put the Greek here literally into English. It is something like ‘makes her to be an adulteress’ or ‘makes her to be adulterated’. However we understand this phrase two things are quite clear. The first is that Jesus does not forbid the woman who has been wrongly divorced to remarry, as he could have done; quite the opposite, he assumes she will remarry. Indeed in those days if she did not remarry she would usually be in a very precarious situation. The second thing to note is that he places the full responsibility for this state of affairs upon the man; the fault is his.
I have said that if a person is abandoned he or she is already divorced in biblical terms, but I want to suggest a further step, an implication of this. Suppose a husband does not leave his wife, in fact wants her to continue to live with him, but frequently and severely beats her. Such behaviour is actually calculated to drive anyone away. It is surely true that no-one is under any obligation to remain in a position of constant danger. If a man makes life hell for his wife I believe she is right to leave and I would call that a case of constructive divorce. Whatever he may say, he is literally sending her away by the actions which he takes. I remember a case many years ago when a neighbour of a couple attending our church phoned me up to say that she could hear the wife being beaten next door and crying out with pain. But, she said, the wife will not leave her husband unless a minister tells her it is right to do so. At that time I counselled the wife to leave and get a judicial separation, but now I believe that in circumstances like that the husband was effectively driving his wife away and so divorcing her. She was right to leave and would have been right to get a divorce in terms of British law, and that would have left her free to remarry.
But there is a proper ground for divorce and that is serious sexual sin. Of course it is better if sin is confessed and forgiveness and reconciliation takes place; divorce is not mandatory for serious sexual sin. However I would add that if a person is repeatedly unfaithful yet always professes sorrow and asks for forgiveness there may well come a point when the other partner says, ‘Enough is enough’ and terminates the marriage. I would also say this. A person whose partner has been unfaithful may be truly forgiving and yet find it very difficult emotionally, psychologically, to resume the intimacies of marriage. Repairing a marriage is not usually a quick fix job.
Before I go any further I would like to say something about the use of the word ‘adultery’ in our Lord’s teaching. I shall have to be brief and so cannot tie up all the loose ends, but it is important for us at least to be challenged to think about this. I’m turning now to Luke 16:18: ‘Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery, and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband commits adultery.’ These words were spoken by Jesus to the Pharisees; you can see this in v14: ‘The Pharisees, who were lovers of money, heard all these things, and they ridiculed him.’ It is quite clear then that it is to the Pharisees that Jesus is speaking. Now we know that the Pharisees were sticklers for the letter of the law. We know also that in Deuteronomy 24 the law permitted divorce and remarriage. How then could Jesus imply that people were adulterers when they obeyed precisely the letter of the law that had been given them by God? The answer is there for us in v15: ‘And he said to them, “You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts…”’ What counted in God’s eyes was not simply the legal act, but the motive of the heart.
We all know how it works because it happens frequently today. A man’s been married for some years and, perhaps where he works, he sees a young, attractive woman and he wants her, he lusts after her. Some of you will remember David Jacobs who was once very popular on the radio. I remember hearing him tell how he met his second wife. She was young, beautiful, intelligent, and he said to himself: ‘I’m going to marry you.’ And his very next sentence was this, ‘My own marriage was already on the rocks…’ So he ditched his wife to marry the other. It was all done legally, of course, but the question is: What did God think of it? I think Jesus might say it was adultery. And don’t forget that he also said that the lustful look is adultery too.
I have not really said anything yet about marriage itself. I believe we can say that Scripture shows us that the marriage relationship is a covenantal one. Malachi 2:14 says: ‘Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.’ And Proverbs 2:17 in speaking of the adulteress says of her: ‘who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God.’ A covenantal relationship suggests that there are mutual obligations that lie on both partners. This is strengthened by an interesting section in Exodus 21:10,11. The case being discussed is that of a man who has taken a slave wife, that is, he has bought a woman and made her his wife. These verses say: ‘If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish her food, her clothing, or her marital rights. And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out for nothing, without payment of money.’ So three obligations lie on the husband, providing food, clothing, and ensuring what are called her marital rights, which probably refers to sexual relations. This is a humane law concerned to protect the rights of a wife who might well be vulnerable to ill-treatment in the circumstances. If she was not properly cared for she was to go out without any of the money that was paid for her being returned. To go out clearly means she was being given a divorce.
I think we can see something similar in 1 Corinthians 7. In verse 2 Paul says – and here I am following my own translation: ‘But because of the fornications let each man hold to his own wife and each woman hold to her own husband.’ Paul is not saying here that people should get married to avoid temptation; he is saying that married people should live together in such a way that neither partner is tempted to seek sexual satisfaction with someone else. Even a period of prayer and fasting must be by consent and only last for a time.
But there is more also to notice in this chapter. In verses 8 and 9 Paul speaks to those he calls ‘the unmarried and widows’. He believes it is good for them to remain single, but he also says, ‘but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry.’ I can’t explain this fully now, but there is a question I want to pose. Do you think it likely that in
I now want to turn from this rather inadequate sketch of what we find in the Bible to look at the subject historically. Here is a quotation: ‘The magistrate who delivers an innocent wife from the cruel hatred of a wicked husband and allows divorce, is not separating those joined by God but preserving from a more perilous situation a wife already inwardly rejected and separated, and granting her the chance of a genuine union with one to whom it is the Lord’s will for her to be joined… Therefore if any wife discovers that her husband is an adulterer or murderer or sorcerer… or if he forms liaisons with immoral women before her eyes… or schemes against her life by poison or sword… or subjects her to beatings… then we grant her the necessary liberty of having recourse to a notice of divorce and of legally establishing grounds for dissolution… if any married woman refuses or is unable to fulfil the role of a wife, even without the intervention of adultery, the godly husband is not bound nor is he forbidden remarriage by this word of the Lord.’ As the language might indicate this is not a modern advocate of divorce who has been over-influenced by a permissive society, it is the Reformer Martin Bucer, who perhaps was reacting against the restrictiveness of the Roman Catholic position and its effect on ordinary people.
The fact is that the Reformers, and the Puritans after them, rejected the Roman Catholic belief in the indissolubility of marriage. John Owen called the view that ‘marriage among Christians is a sacrament of that signification as renders it indissoluble’ a fiction. In
I have already quoted from the Westminster Confession. A little later in the section on ‘Marriage’ it states: ‘nothing but adultery, or such wilful desertion as cannot be remedied by the church or civil magistrate, is cause sufficient of dissolving the bond of marriage.’ This was the position of Calvin, too, and I think was generally representative of Reformed thinking. In
There is one more quotation I would like to give, and it comes from John Owen in a short tract entitled: ‘Of marrying after divorce in case of adultery’, though in this quotation he is actually dealing with the case of desertion from 1 Corinthians 7:15. ‘If a person obstinately departs, on pretence of religion or otherwise, and will no more cohabit with a husband or wife, it is known that, by the law of nature and the usage of all nations, the deserted party, because, without his or her default, all the ends of marriage are frustrated, is at liberty to marry. But it may be it is not so among Christians. What shall a brother or sister that is a Christian do in this case, who is so departed from? Saith the apostle, “They are not in bondage, they are free, - at liberty to marry again.”
‘This’ says Owen. ‘is the constant doctrine of all protestant churches in the world; and it hath had place in the government of these nations, for Queen Elizabeth was born during the life of Queen Katherine, from whom her father was divorced.’
I have stressed the Reformation position because it seems to me that the Roman Catholic position has exercised a strong influence amongst evangelicals in this country. It may be that this influence has come through the Church of England, although I do not know enough to be certain about this. The result is that it is possible to approach the Scriptures with assumptions already in one’s mind, though without realising that this is so. Though I have been able to quote the Westminster Confession of Faith on divorce, it is worthy of note that the 1689 Baptist Confession says not a word either way on the subject, nor does the Savoy Declaration, the 1658 confession of the Congregationalist/Independent churches. This suggests that there was not complete unanimity on the subject amongst nonconformists, though we must be careful. John Owen’s words – and he wrote the Preface to the Savoy Declaration – seem to indicate that the disagreement, if there was any, is likely to have been about detail rather than broad principle. I would add that the 1966 Strict Baptist Affirmation of Faith permits divorce on the grounds of adultery.
At this point I want to turn to church life. It is well known that there is a fairly broad spectrum of belief concerning divorce and remarriage within evangelical and Reformed Baptist churches in this country, we do not all think alike and so we do not all act alike. This raises tensions within churches and between churches. How do we handle this? First of all I think we must watch our attitudes and our words. It is easy, on the one hand, to talk about those who take a hard-line position, or on the other to talk about those who are abandoning the biblical position. The fact is it is possible to have genuine disagreement about what the Bible says and while it is perfectly proper for people to defend and expound their own beliefs and to argue against those who think differently, this ought to be done with Christian grace and courtesy.
Secondly, generally speaking most churches will have a majority view on the subject and most ministers will have a view also, though in both cases these may alter over the years. It is the question of remarriage which affects the church most directly. It seems to me that a remarriage ought not to take place within the church premises if this is against the conscientious belief of the majority in the church, nor should a minister be expected to take a service of remarriage against his conscience. On the other hand, minorities in the church should not carp and cause trouble – perhaps even well into the future; nor leave the church, if the decision regarding remarriage is one they disagree with. In the end we all stand or fall before our own Master. We are not responsible for the decisions of others and we should pursue what makes for peace and mutual upbuilding. I would like to explore this at some length but it is going to be considered as a subject in its own right in due course.
Thirdly, churches will disagree among themselves over the issues that are involved in this matter. We have to recognise this and acknowledge that we can still have fellowship in the gospel even while on some matters, including this one, we may differ. In fact, I believe, that we can co-operate practically if we are willing to do so.
Fourthly – and I would like to say a little more on this – I believe we have to think through very carefully what the responsibility of churches and pastors really is. Marriage is the most personal and intimate of relationships and marriage breakdown is often a complex and very personal matter. In the end divorce is the decision of at least one of the partners in the marriage. If the couple are Christians then it is a decision which they take before Christ, though I know they may not fully realise that at the time. When it comes to a Christian who wishes to remarry, or marry another Christian who has been divorced, that also is a decision that the two concerned take before Christ. They are responsible people who are answerable to their own Master and will be judged by him.
How does this affect pastors? Pastors obviously want to do all they can to help and advise the members of the church. In most cases of marriage difficulty within the church they will be called in and they will try to apply biblical principles to the situation. If the pastor is wise he will usually take his wife when he goes to give counsel, but if he is single it is much more difficult and potentially dangerous for him. But a pastor will only know as much as he is told. He may try to probe if he feels that real problems are being withheld from him, yet he knows that there may be things that are too private for either spouse to reveal to him, and in any case he has no right to intrude into the intimacies of another marriage. In some cases, of course, the exact situation will be clear, sometimes only too clear, but in others he may not really know just what has been going on. And similar problems may arise when it comes to speaking with a couple who wish to marry and a divorce has taken place in the past. The fact is pastors are just pastors, ministers of the word. They have not been appointed as judges over other peoples lives, what they do is to make known the word of God; the responsibility for applying it and obeying it lies with those to whom it has been made known.
What about other elders or deacons and the church meeting? Pastors have to keep confidences; there are things they cannot tell to other church officers, and there are certainly things that should not be told to the church members in a meeting. Suppose in a marriage break up one partner accuses the other of adultery while the other denies it. You cannot have a discussion in a church meeting about who might or might not be telling the truth. Later on it may be that the one who accuses the other wants to get remarried and justifies the divorce and subsequent remarriage on the grounds of the other’s adultery. I am not trying to make things more difficult or complex than they are in the interests of a lax attitude to divorce and remarriage, I am simply saying that this can be an area fraught with difficulty. In such circumstances we cannot apply any rule of thumb. A church may have to rely on what the pastor, who knows most about the situation, believes to be the best course of action to adopt. We need, I think, to follow the advice of another writer: ‘God who knows the hearts of us all will ultimately vindicate or condemn; but his church, if it errs, must err on the side of mercy rather than judgment.’
Finally, while we are considering the implications of divorce and remarriage for the local church, it is sometimes suggested that any Christian couple involved in a remarriage should not engage in public Christian service, even if they may become church members. Sometimes this is based on 1 Timothy 3, where it is stated that anyone who serves as an overseer or deacon must be ‘the husband of one wife’. However, it is by no means clear that this has anything to do with divorce and remarriage, and we cannot simply assume that it does. The only other ground for refusing them public Christian work would be that they were living in adultery, but if that view were taken they could not remain in membership either. This would also put the couple between a rock and a hard place. The only way in which they could ever become church members would be by getting another divorce, but it is divorce that Scripture particularly seeks to prevent.
Let me draw to a conclusion. In the Old Testament marriage is a covenant between a man and woman which ought to be lifelong. Divorce and remarriage were permitted because of hardness of heart caused by sin. The teaching that we have of the Lord Jesus Christ was essentially directed against the Pharisees’ abuse of the Mosaic permission of divorce. What Jesus sought to prevent was divorce, rather than remarriage; if there is no divorce, then there will be no remarriage. Paul deals with a quite different situation in 1 Corinthians 7, a pagan Graeco-Roman situation, which was complicated by a teaching that marriage itself had been superseded. He allows both for divorce and remarriage in certain circumstances, especially where a married person comes to faith in Christ while the other partner does not.
A short statement of the position I am setting before you is this. If a person has been divorced by the other partner simply leaving, whether for someone else or not, the person thus wrongly divorced can remarry. If one partner commits some serious sexual sin this violates the marriage covenant and divorce with remarriage is permissible. This does not exhaust all the possible situations that may arise, some very complex, but it gives a basis from which further applications can be made. All Christians should be committed to promoting marriage and upholding it, but also committed to treating with compassion and biblical wisdom those whose lives have been scarred by marriage breakdown.